WONDERFUL!!

In the same family there may be a need for Grandparents rights in one or parts of the family but the other parts of the family are going pretty smoothly.

It is not uncommon to have, say in my case 6 grandchildren with 4 sets of parents. Two of those sets of parents are divorced and two are still together. Even though I work very hard at keeping the lines of communications open with each of my 8 children/step children there are many factors involved, ie. age, distance,  remarriage, relationship in the family, etc.

You have your own sets of factors so your needs for knowing and/or asserting your Grandparent rights will vary also. Most of you reading this post will already have some deep and disturbing concerns about  your relationship to one, some or all of your grandchildren. I think you will find some information that addresses your needs among our some 200 posts on this site. If not just drop us a comment and I will do my best to help.

The reason I have written this post is to remind each of you not to neglect the other relationships while you focus on the troubled ones. I will  be so bold as to state that keeping the grandparent relationship healthy and happy is even more difficult than keeping a marriage healthy and happy, or at least as challenging. Much nurture and care is required for a multitude of reasons.

For our purposes here I will keep the focus narrow. The main goal is to create and maintain an atmosphere where we can support the parents in adding the maximum value and loving support to each and every grandchild. No matter the other externals it is our job to find a way to do just that. Not just in the troubled relationships but the healthy ones as well.

I would suggest you write this statement down in BIG BOLD letters and place it on the Fridge. “IT IS ALL ABOUT THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.”

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting.  Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: grandparents custody rights, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in

Here is how it works in many cases. The increasing number of single Moms as well as, to a lesser extent single Dads,  move back home with their children for economic reasons. In only half of these 6 million grandparent led households is there a parent present with the children.  That leaves the other half of the grandparents to become parent to their own grandchildren. Even in the best of cases this is a life altering experience for the grandparent(s). The most obvious challenges have to do with finances, emotional upheaval of Children, parents and grandparents, generational differences in understanding, disappointment, and on and on. However here is the biggy, a parent that waltzes back in after some time  and decides to take the kids, not because it is good for the children but because they can. In way to many cases this behavior is repeated time and again.

The sad part is that they can do this even over the objection of the grandparents and /or the children. Some of the saddest case studies I have read play out exactly this way. Even the cases where the situation isn’t this dire there are many consideration having to do with Grandparents Custody rights. Even things as simple as enrolling the grandchildren in school, getting medical services, etc. are difficult without some agreement of temporary or permanent custody.

I feel this is too important for a do it yourself solution. There are resources available to you for just this.  The AARP has a good resource .  They have an AARP Grandparent Information Center which has a Social Outreach and support program to help you with this. The most current phone number I have is (202) 434-2296. A quicker solution is to get a consultation with a Family Law attorney in your area.  Check with your state Bar Association for who these attorneys are.

I admire your willingness and bravery for taking on this responsibility.  You have my gratitude and support.

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting.  Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: children, grandparents custody rights, grandparents raising grandchildren, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in

As I do research for my next book I am uplifted to find many wonderful folks doing many wonderful things to improve the situation surrounding this extended/mixed family conundrum.  I am also struck by the realization that, as Albert Einstein said, “It is not possible to solve a problem at the same intellectual level that it was created.”  To this I agree 100%.  But then of course, who am I to disagree with Einstein.

All kidding aside.  The one place we, as Caring Grandparents could start is with the re-framing of the entire debate and struggle.  Would it not be more meaningful to frame this entire issue as “A child’s birthright ‘ instead of Grandparents rights in how we talk about things?  This change in focus, in my opinion, gets to the heart of the matter.  I will just clearly state that if the grandparent is pursuing their rights for any other purpose than “The best interest of the child” then I withdraw my support of that person.

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting.  Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, grandparents visitation rights

Yes! & Yes!

Please don’t throw tomatoes and rotten eggs at me until you read this post through.  Then you may still want to throw them but I don’t think so.

I continually state that the whole purpose of my commitment to this issue is “The best interest of the children”.   That takes care of the first Yes.  To the extent that we continue to put this debate on the table I promise you the children will benefit.  I have learned this week that the Supreme Court is considering taking another look at Grandparents Visitation Rights.  Regardless of the outcome of this ruling it is good for the children to have adults exerting all this effort on their behalf.  I have included a link at the bottom of this post to the latest information about this development.  I also believe that it is good for the children to have significant adults, other than parents, looking out for their best interest.  I am crystal clear on parents rights for FIT parents, however, sadly not all parents are operating at that level.  In these cases the grandparents are the best hope to raise awareness and ultimately be there to rescue the kids if necessary.  Let me repeat, this is not a contest between Parents and Grandparents it is clearly a hightened awareness of the childrens rights to all the love they can get and deserve.

The second Yes stems from the fact that the family structure has been going through some fundamental changes over the past decades and the simple black and white interpretation of the Constitution is not serving the folks it was originally intended to serve..  Our founding fathers showed extraordinary wisdom in granting fit parents the rights and responsibilities of raising their children in the manner they think best.  I have and do agree with that 100%.  The rub comes in parents trying to live up to the FIT part of that declaration in today’s world.  The biggies that challenge them are; Divorce, Drug abuse and incarceration.  I think it is safe to say that these were not considered biggie in the mid 1700′s.  Add to that the mobility of our society, the longevity of our grandparents, etc.

Now you can commence throwing if you wish.  Since knowledge is power here is the link that I promised.  http://www.menslegal.com/blog/entry/us-supreme-court-to-announce-soon-if-it-will-hear-case-regarding-grandparent-visitation-rights.html.

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting.  NEIL

Technorati Tags: family, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, grandparents visitation rights, new grandparents

There are a couple major impediments to Grandparents Rights in the Connecticut law as it pertains to this case in this court at this time.  First and foremost is the fact that the constitution clearly defines, in three different sections, and protects the rights of FIT parents to raise their children as they think best for the child.  On this point I understand the wisdom of our founding fathers.  The second major obstacle is this potential for broad interpretation of the Connecticut law in conjunction with the well founded fears of parents perceiving that they now would have to defend their Constitutional rights against anyone who chooses to challenge them.   I know this is an overstatement but you can see their point.

I will be following this closely and let you know how it comes out.

My approach is different than most on this issue.  I have read the literature and I can’t imagine that we will EVER solve this very important issue with more and different laws.  We will keep on tweeking the laws but I am reminded of one of Albert Einstein’s quotes; “We will never solve a problem at the same intellectual level that it was created.”

We have a HUUUUUUUUGE problem of misunderstanding and emotional leave taking (on both sides of this issue) affecting the best outcome for lots of grandchildren and extended families.  It is my goal to be part of the solution as evidenced by this ongoing dialogue and raising of issues.  I don’t have the answer but I will continue to raise the questions and increase the awareness as long as I am able.  My hope is that you will join in the quest for the best interest of Grandchildren everywhere.

My hope for you is Great Grandparenting.  Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, grandparents visitation rights, rights

Richard says it better than I ever could;

The Grandparents Rights Organization is a national volunteer nonprofit organization founded in 1984 by founder and executive director, attorney Richard S. Victor. It has been qualified as tax-exempt organization under section 501 (a) of the Internal Revenue Code as an organization described in section 501 (c) (3). Its purpose is to educate and support grandparents and grandchildren and to advocate their desire to continue a relationship that may be threatened with loss of contact or amputation, usually following: family acrimony; a child being born out of wedlock; the death of one of the child’s parents or the divorce of the grandchild’s parents.

The very first quote in my book “NO GREATER LOSS” is from Mr. Victor;  “Remember, if death takes a grandparent from a grandchild, that is a tragedy, but if petty vindictiveness and hostilities within a family amputate a grandchild from their grandparents, then that is a shame”.

It is important to realize that Mr. Victor made it his mission to look out for the best interest of the grandchildren by fighting for the continuity of the extended family.  The implications and benefits of his work are evident  in the fact that all 50 states now have some form of Grandparent Rights law.  Just stop and think of where we would be without his efforts.

In 1984 Grandparents didn’t even have what is called Standing (The legal term is locus standi; this is the term for the ability of a party to demonstrate to the court sufficient connection to and harm from the law or action challenged to support that party’s participation in the case.) In other words we didn’t have a voice in the courts.  This provided grandparents with a huge step forward in preserving the ties to their grandkids.

He has testified in front of Senate committees, been on Oprah, The Today show, CNN, Fox, CNBC.  The list goes on.  However he finds time to be a Good Grandfather to his grandchildren and the keyboard sounds of his Jazz band.

Rather than my going on and on about Richard, his excellence in the law and his work I would encourage you to spend some time looking over the GRO web site.  You will come to know just what an effort was advanced on behalf of each of us that are grandparents and especially our grandchildren.  You will even be treated to some really neat Jazz Music.

My response to all that Mr. Victor has done is to offer him a heartfelt Thanks and to do my part in keeping  the awareness heightened about the need for grandparents in their grandchildren’s lives.  I also hope to convey that we have a long way to go.

My hope for each of you is Great-Grandparenting.  NEIL

Technorati Tags: family, grandparents custody rights, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, grandparents visitation rights

The reason grandparents rights and responsibilities are so loaded with the potential for misdirected emotions and/or misinterpreted comments is that by it’s very nature family has history.  Couple that with the misguided unwillingness of us to allow our own children the experience of parenting without our (sometimes less than) divine wisdom, micro management and constant input. The great teacher and motivator Jim Rohn once said “Be careful not to weigh Sincerity on Truth scales and Truth on Sincerity scales”.   So while done with the best of intentions some input on our part may miss the intended mark.  Much more on this later.

This history/family legacy is mostly good but in some cases there are some things that persist in the family that can only be termed “baggage”.  The severity of that baggage will dictate the path to resolving or coping with the real or perceived issues.  That is a subject for many volumes and hours of discussion.  For what I am addressing here it is sufficient just to put on the table the idea that there are some things that are emotionally loaded in every family.

Why do I bring this up?  Life is happening now and even if we can and are willing to solve any past issues the children shouldn’t have to wait for all that to happen.  It is my hope that we operate in the NOW and provide more love and support to our grandchildren and leave the “perfect family unit” for the Kenny Rodgers Christmas Special.  I do think we need to constantly work on our family unity and growth but let us not wait until all the planets are aligned to begin.

I am old and I have spent the past three years researching this subject so I have a longer range point of view about the operations of the family than most people do.  I am fully aware of the pressures (external and internal) on parents trying to raise their children.  I can honestly state that in my 67 years I have yet to meet the set of parents that wake up and look each other in the eye and ask “How can we best screw our kids up today?”  Most parents are doing the best they know how to do with what they know and can deal with at the time.  Couple that with the fact that child rearing has changed (for better or worse) since you and I had that enormous responsibility.  One more coupling before I move on to best practices.  Our founding fathers wisely placed the authority and responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the parents.

I find that the best advice comes from within so I will present my best practices as question.

Who is the most important person in this parent/child/grandparent situation?

How much do you want to pay to be right?

How important is the past in relation to the present?

What is your goal for; the family, your grandchild and you?

What do you know about Grandparents Rights?

That should keep your mind busy for a while.  I hope you will really ponder and be honest in your responses to these questions.  I urge you to write them down and date your answers.  History has taught that the answers will change over time.

My wish for you is Great-Grandparenting.  Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: family, grandparents custody rights, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, grandparents visitation, grandparents visitation rights

When my son Chuck and I began this site almost three years ago I told him I wanted to write about Grandparents rights. He knows being a grandparent is my greatest passion but we had a long discussion about grandparents rights. He wasn’t real sure about this rights stuff. As a parent he had some apprehension about just what Grandparents rights where and what I hoped to accomplish by pursuing this line of thought.

Since I am really solid in my relationship with my son and my granddaughter this was not about me but about the broader body of Grandparents that might take Grandparent rights to mean that they could assert their will and control on parents, especially when it comes to raising the Grandchildren. We talked a lot about just that. I can proudly say that if you read all 200 post on this blog, my book and the hundreds of articles I have published you will come to realize that in no case have I asserted or even implied that a FIT parent should have to yield any authority or responsibility in the rearing of their child unless they think that is the best course.

I have gone to great lengths and am willing to absorb the disappointment that some grandparents feel when the world just isn’t fair. Some circumstances defy logic or we just don’t know everything there is to know about the situation. It breaks my heart almost daily to read about estranged Grandparents that feel wronged. In my book I write that “Life is complicated, family life is a multiple of complicated and extended family life is exponentially complicated”. If we can just concentrate on the main issue, “the best interest of the child”, things would be a lot easier.

Here come the great “HOWEVER”. There are many reasons I have taken up this mantle. The two top reasons are 1) Family is being redefined at a faster pace and 2) Grandparents hold the key to the best antidote (A sense of stability) during these turbulent times.
The word complicated doesn’t even begin to describe the challenges that are facing Grandparents in today’s world. The more I research and learn i come to find it is a daunting task because of the many facets of life in the average extended family. If you take a family with 3 children, fast forward 25 years and take a look at that family now. Let’s just say, each child has 2 children and you have added 6 more grandparents. At least one of those three has been divorced and probably remarried which may add 2 more grandchildren and another set of Step-Grandparents. Well if I take this on further it may just get………..COMPLICATED. Keep in mind that we haven’t even considered inter-faith, inter-racial or inter-cultural factors. Oh yeah, how about Drug abuse, incarceration, death or deployment.

Okay, okay. Enough already you say. I am sorry to report but this is not uncommon in today’s society. We face some decisions here. Some wise person once said “When you come to a fork in the road, Take It!” I choose the fork that tries to find out what we can do for the kids. The first and foremost thing we need to accomplish is remaining in our Grandkids lives at all costs. Yes I said at all costs.
There are quite a few best practices we can execute to do just that. That is why I used the word Smart in the title of this article. I will tell you plainly that this is not about being right, it IS about the best interest of our grandchildren. I will share more about the things we can do in future articles. Stay tuned.

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting. Grandpa NEIL

Technorati Tags: family, grandparents custody rights, Grandparents Rights, granparetns rights in

This article is the forward to my book, “No Greater Loss”, offered by Dr. Susanne Taft,  Psychologist

Children are our legacy and the future. They need all of the resources, encouragement, and belief in their abilities that can be provided to them. Grandparents are a good source for this encouragement and can contribute greatly to their growth and development. In fact, grandparents have experience and knowledge to share that they learned in life and from decisions they made, good and bad, which brought them to their present state.

Learning what rights and privileges grandparents have adds to the understanding of all family members and strengthens the family unit. It informs and helps in dealing with simple and complex issues that arise in the lives of all children. Navigating through difficulties is easier with some help from the more experienced. Learning methods of coping is a valuable skill. To witness mastery of new learning is a joy anyone can appreciate.

Reading this book will add dimensions to your knowledge base and will help you to help a child. No other job is as rewarding and as vitally important as our investment in tomorrow. Assisting a child to grow in competence in small things leads to increased abilities in decision making on a larger scale. As you grow in understanding your rights with your grandchildren you will become a better grandparent. Once on this path you will find yourself anxious to stay a part of the process of unlimited human potential.

Neil is the product of great love and great sorrow, having been adored by his mother and abandoned through death by his father at age eleven. It is this combination that has made him extremely sensitive to the issues in this book. He has mentored more young people than can be counted and as a grandparent to six he thrives on instilling positive attitudes and creativity to all children. His passion for grandparents’ rights cannot be doubted.

There are many different directions available for families to go, but to see grandparents cut off from their grand-children is a terrible path to witness. Instead, children need the warmth, acceptance, and love that grandparents offer. You can be a catalyst for those gifts and help guide the course of these little people making this a better life in a better world. Neil is a great guide to help get you there.

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Statistically there will be a greater challenge if the family unit that is experiencing trouble is headed by your son. The other two major aggravating factors are Drug abuse and/or incarceration. From my reading it seems that in these cases guilt and false pride play a big role in emotionally charged rather than caring and intelligent decision making.

Regardless of the motivating factors for obvious reasons this is exactly the time and place for Caring Grandparents involvement for the sake of the children. An observation here is that you may well have to choose between trying to retrain your own children or rescuing the Grandchildren. Just a thought.

The good news is that the vast majority of the Grandparent/Grandchild relationships, even in families that have experienced divorce, death, etc., are flourishing with healthy and valuable interaction on a regular basis. This is what I call GRANDPARENT POWER. We are gifted the opportunity to lavish these wonderful little and big kids with all the love and attention they deserve.

My hope for you is Great-Grandparenting! Grandpa Neil

Technorati Tags: children, family, grandparents custody rights, Grandparents Rights, grandparents rights in, relationsdhips